In the classic Holiday movie, A Christmas Story, the cantankerous Dad was exuberant that he won a “major” award and couldn’t contain himself when the cherished award was delivered to his house. As he examined the crate, he read the words stamped on the outside and said “Fragilay, it must be Italian,” badly mispronouncing the word fragile. I think here in the U.S. we do have a problem with fragile, but it’s with fragile egos and toxic masculinity, and not crates. Where too many men equate masculinity with big trucks, aggressive behavior, tattoos and misogyny.

Masculinity is defined as a set of characteristics, behaviors, and roles that a culture commonly associates with being male, often involving how a man presents himself, relates to others, and handles responsibility, challenge, and emotion. Masculinity can be expressed in healthy ways (maturity, strength, discipline) or unhealthy toxic ways (aggression, dominance, emotional suppression).

Healthy masculinity exhibits traits in a mature, prosocial way:

1. Responsibility (ownership, accountability)
2. Integrity (honesty, moral consistency)
3. Courage (doing what’s right under pressure)
4. Self-control (emotional regulation, restraint)
5. Discipline (follow-through, work ethic)
6. Protectiveness (care for others’ safety/well-being)
7. Confidence without arrogance (quiet competence)
8. Resilience (handling setbacks without collapse)
9. Service/mentorship (helping others grow)
10. Healthy leadership (stability, guidance, fairness)

These are the traits you want in your male friends, your spouse, your sons, civic leaders, politicians, policemen, military members, and well for that matter in anyone. When I think about the men I most admire, I see these qualities; men such as my dad, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Barrack Obama, and Pete Buttigieg, etc. That doesn’t mean these men were perfect, they all had faults, but they strove to be a good person that cared of others. They work long hours to support others, they exhibit self-control and courage in troubling times, they care for and protect those that are weak or poor, they take responsibility for their actions, and they are honest to their core. I remember my dad plowing the streets covered in several feet of snow during the great winter of 1978 for no pay, I read about Abraham Lincoln emancipating the slaves, and Martin Luther King marching for freedom. The actor John Wayne was famous for portraying characters of this ilk, they stood proud and tall for the underdogs and persecuted of the world and fought to make wrongs right.

Toxic masculinity on the other hand, refers to distorted, unhealthy beliefs about what a man must be, often driven by insecurity, dominance, or fear of appearing weak.

1. Emotional suppression (real men don’t feel/cry/struggle)
2. Aggression as default (using anger, intimidation, or threats to solve problems)
3. Dominance obsession (needing to “win,” control, or be the alpha in every interaction)
4. Contempt for vulnerability (mocking openness, sensitivity, or gentleness)
5. Misogyny/objectification (disrespecting women or reducing them to appearance/sex)
6. Entitlement (believing respect, sex, loyalty, or obedience is “owed”)
7. Status/ego fixation (identity built mainly around power, money, conquest, rank, or image
8. Risk-taking to prove manhood (reckless behavior, drinking, fighting, dangerous stunts)
9. Violence or coercion (using fear or force to maintain control)
10. Shame-based identity (fear of being seen as weak; living defensively and reactively)

These men despise those that don’t look like them and are quick to anger when they feel slighted, like a 5-year-old boy throwing a tantum.  They say peculiar and un-Christian things like empathy is a weakness, as if kindness is some type of evil trait. Abraham Lincoln reportedly said that “Kindness is the only religion I know,” and that makes a lot of sense to me.  Every day I see men driving like maniacs in sports cars or large trucks, driving well over the speed limit and racing through traffic, and tailgating those that don’t immediately get out the way. Why, I ask. Many seem to have a contempt for women and are angered that they won’t date them. Maybe those women are wise.  I recently read a book about Afghanistan and how horribly the Taliban treated others, especially woman. Forbidding them from attending school, locking them in their homes, and treating them like sheep that they owned.  Closer to home, I see ICE agents dressed up in full battle gear like I wore when I was deployed to Iraq, yet they are here in America. They are sporting tattoos, carrying assault rifles, and throwing around tear gas canisters like candy at a parade. They are bullying women, kids, men, and anyone who looks at them funny. And they are shooting and killing indiscriminately, not much differently than the SS or Taliban. Some may say that is a harsh or unfair statement, and that they are just doing their jobs, but that is a weak defense. ICE has been around since 2003, but it’s not until the past year that they began to wear full body armor, sporting M4 rifles, throwing flash bang grenades and tear gas canisters, and terrorizing neighbors like the gestapo looking for someone to assault or kidnap without probably cause. Their actions are clearly a violation of the 4^th amendment of the constitution that they claim to love but apparently haven’t read, or they choose to ignore it.

So, you must ask yourself, how did we get here? There have always been both types of masculinity in the U.S. and the world, and they seem to ebb and flow throughout history. But it seems that toxic masculinity is on the rise in the U.S., and it’s not clear to me why. I recently wrote a book on critical thinking and devoted a chapter to how the mind develops as a person grows up.  Its development is influenced by many factors such as social networks, community, parents, friends, early childhood education etc. The infant brain is particularly sensitive to sensory input; repeated exposure strengthens neural pathways, while unused connections weaken and are eventually eliminated. Which is why early childhood development and learning is so critical to establishing the cognitive, emotional, and social foundations that shape lifelong thinking and behavior. And why neglecting childhood development can result in enduring deficits in attention, emotional control, and social reasoning as well as reduced executive function and greater reliance on impulsive, heuristic-based thinking that persist into adolescence and adulthood. Or to put simply, poor childhood education and development can lead to dysfunctional adults, which is why a strong early childhood education program is so important in a well-functioning society.

So, I think part of the reason we have so many toxic men is a failure in childhood development because of a poor education and parenting, coupled with negative cultural influences. But I think the problem is more than that.  Social media to include podcasts have a significant impact on how we think, and if used heavily at a young age it will shape how our mind functions for the rest of our lives.  Social media algorithms also create an echo-chamber that reinforces beliefs, whether they are valid or not, and whether they are good or not. In my critical thinking book Think Better, I emphasize the need to get other perspectives whenever you are thinking about something or making a decision, and over reliance on social media robs you of outside perspectives. It just feeds you what you want to hear and is a blatant example of confirmation bias on steroids.

Although poor education and development, and social media have contributed to the rise in toxic masculinity, I think the main culprit is a culture where this type of behavior is not only accepted but is encouraged. This includes our growing obsession with sports, action movies like Marvel, aggressive and violent video games, and a macho culture. This is coupled with fear of failure, fear of not being able to get ahead and provide for their families in an a capitalistic economy where real wages have stagnated, (especially for blue collar/hourly employees) and the cost of housing, food and cars continues to rise. As well as the perception from social media that everyone (except you) is extremely rich, has beautiful wives, and is living large. This may be an oversimplification of the problem but it’s safe to say that toxic masculinity is a topic ripe for additional research and dialogue, but the first step is to admit you have a problem, and yes, we have a problem.

The obvious question is how do we fix it? And there aren’t any simple answers. Cattle ranchers typically take their misbehaving cows to the slaughterhouse rather than tolerate their behavior. There is some wisdom in that, however that is not the solution here. As noted above, there needs to be more research on this topic to better understand why this phenomenon occurs and what we can do to prevent it. Until then, let me offer a few thoughts. First, parents need to raise their sons to be good human beings that possess the healthy traits I listed above, responsibility, integrity, courage, self-control, discipline, protectiveness, confidence without arrogance, resilience, service, and healthy leadership. And as a corollary to this they need to stop teaching hate, misogyny, and aggressive/macho behavior. People aren’t born hateful or racist or misogynist, those are learned behaviors. So, whomever is teaching this behavior needs to stop. Secondly, the healthy traits and behaviors should be reinforced in schools, communities and religious organizations. Next our community and business leaders, Dads, athletes, movie stars, musicians and politicians need to model these healthy characteristics and show young men how they should behave, not model how they shouldn’t. The U.S. also needs to address our social media problem where hate spreads like wildfire. There is a balance that needs to be struck between First amendment rights and hate speech, but a line needs to be drawn and enforced. Lastly, men that continue to exhibit toxic masculinity behaviors should be held accountable, and if they continue to behave poorly there should be repercussions.  If their behavior goes unchallenged it will not change as we have seen in Minneapolis. So, if they break the law arrest them, if they are politicians, vote them out of office or impeach them, if they are your friends, unfriend them, or tell them their behavior is unacceptable. Don’t normalize this behavior, it degrades human existence and harms our society. For the men out there, show some leadership and courage and stand up to bullies before they hurt others. And for all of the women out there that refuse to date these men with their “Fragilay” egos, I say good job and to quote the band Wetleg, tell them to “Get lost forever.”