During President Biden’s last speech–you know, the one where he identified all of the problems he didn’t fix because he was busy wandering around the Amazon rain forest—he said (rightly so) that America was turning into an oligarchy. Not surprisingly, according to ABC News, searches for the word oligarchy rose sharply after the speech and remained higher than usual throughout the week. Interestingly, eight of the ten states with the most significant rise in searches were Republican-leaning states, thus proving once again that most Americans slept through high school civics class.

I’ll admit, I was curious myself about the word, so I Googled “Government types” … not because I slept through civics class, but because I was likely passing a note to Scottye K, the cheerleader I had a crush on. This was years before texting, back when paper notes were how teenagers communicated. It sounds archaic to actually spell out words in complete sentences, but (OMG) trust me it was a thing once.   #Things your parents did

Of course, the first type of government that appeared in my search was “democracy,” defined as “rule by the people where citizens have a say in decision-making, typically through voting.”  How quaint and idealistic I thought. It even listed the United States as an example of a democracy, reminding me not to believe everything you read on the internet.

Next on the list was “autocracy,” defined as “rule by one where power is concentrated in the hands of a single individual.”  Ah yes, Russia and Putin came to mind. What could go wrong with that, I mused. Invading neighboring countries for no apparent reason, or people falling out of hotel windows on a regular basis. That’s normal, right?

Still searching for a better description of American government, I came across the term “oligarchy” that was mentioned by President Biden, which is “rule by a few where a small group of people, often from the same social, economic, or political elite, controls the government.”  Now we are talking, this sounds much closer to where we are in America—bit still was a bit incomplete. It didn’t explicitly account for the tech bros or billionaire class. That’s when I remembered a Dartmouth Professor, Brooke Harrington, recently coined the term “broligarchy.” A Government by the rich for the rich. Donate a million here, a million there, and you get what you want: a front row seat at the inauguration and an Ambassadorship to the country of your choosing. I would pick Nardia.

 As I mulled this over, I remembered other forms of government such as “plutocracy,” which is “rule by the wealthy where governance dominated by the richest members of society,” and also “aristocracy”, which is “rule by the noble or privileged class.”  And I thought yes, and yes, this is where we are. But then I thought about the religious fervor in America and recalled the form of government called “theocracy,” which is “rule by religious leaders where the government is based on religious laws or principles.” But this couldn’t possibly apply to America, right? Our Founding Fathers clearly spelled out in the constitution and other writings the principle of separation of church and state.  But then I remembered some of the recent Supreme Court rulings and thought maybe we are drifting towards a theocracy, in a Handmaids Tale, Amy Comey Bryant, Stepford Wives kind of way.

None of these governing models seemed to fully capture the current state of American governance, especially in light of the blatant corruption we are seeing today. Like the billions raised from corporations during the election cycle, to cryptocurrency coins that have no real value but can be bought by foreign nations as a form of bribery, to large donations to the inauguration committee with no traceability as to how that money was spent, to exorbitant “loans” to children of political leaders by foreign counties. Not to mention sale of overpriced gold shoes, steaks, ice, razors, fragrance, shirts, ties, pickleball paddles, coins (crypto & silver), cuff links, NFTs (Non-Fungible Tokens), real estate, bottled water, vodka, vitamins, furniture, books, and of course signed bibles.  Signed by Trump, not Jesus, the Jesus editions are out of print. One of these products I made up, but I bet you can’t guess which one, which is kind of my point.

The grift is real and not even hidden. And sadly, the people who bought the crypto coins or NFTs probably have no idea that there is no underlying or intrinsic value in them, rather the value of NFTs is primarily driven by the interplay between demand, uniqueness, utility and speculation. And the long-term value typically depends on the utility, cultural relevance, and the strength of the associated community. And when that cultural relevance declines so does the value. It’s like Beanie Babies, Longaberger baskets, or Hummel figurines you see at yard sales or on e-Bay selling (or not selling) for pennies on the dollar. The only ones who got rich were the companies that sold the initial product, and the collectors who sold when the price peaked.  It’s only a matter of time (actually it’s already happening) before the value of some of these products begin to trail off, so tell your Uncle Fred to sell now so you don’t have to loan him money for a lifesaving health procedure later because the Accordable Care Act was rescinded. Besides, who needs affordable care if you have vitamins to keep you healthy and vodka to kill the pain.

So, I did some further research (like any good conspiracy theorist) and learned that there is also something called “kleptocracy” which is “rule by thieves where leaders exploit national resources and steal wealth.” Now we are talking. This is starting to hit a little closer to home.  A Kleptocracy is where those in charge aren’t really that interested in helping their constituents, but more so in enriching themselves and their friends and family. Think Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg & DJT.  Where being a billionaire and owning an island and a yacht the size of the Titanic just isn’t quite enough, you also need to have absolute power to do whatever you want, to whomever you want, whenever you want. Without any legal repercussions because the rich do not have to adhere to the law. Laws are just to keep the poor folks in line anyway.

And if a law doesn’t suit them, the Billionaires can always buy Clarence Thomas an RV or a sweet vacation to a nice island resort to overturn decades of established law. Good to be in a job with perks, I guess. Kleptocracy is further exacerbated by Gerrymandering, which most Americans think is a type of salamander, but is where districts are drawn to favor one party, reducing meaningful competition in the general election. The incumbent or primary winner subsequently does not need to represent the interest of all of their constituents, or move to the middle ground on issues, but rather espouse to the interests of the majority party all while taking campaign “contributions” (wink, wink) from their corporate sponsors. Humorists have said that Congressman should wear their sponsors names on their suits, like race car drivers and golfer do, but I am not sure if they could fit them all. 

I thought that I had nailed it with kleptocracy but then I heard of “kakistocracy” in which the worst, least qualified, or most unscrupulous individuals hold power. Bingo! I think we might have a winner. The current slate of cabinet appointees fits this perfectly, where we have an Anti-Vaxxer proposed to lead the Department of Health and Human Services, the DNI nominee parroting Russian talking points, and the now rescinded nominee for the Department of Justice under investigation for inappropriate relationships with minors. The proposed Secretary of Defense at least has some military experience, but his history of “alleged” sexual harassment, excessive drinking, poorly managed non-profits, and being unable to answer any strategic questions during his confirmation hearing made him equally unqualified. Not to mention that the Vice President has 2 years of government experience, but I heard he once stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.

At this point in my search to define our current government I was overwhelmed. I saw elements of all of these in our government; democracy, autocracy, oligarchy, broligarchy, plutocracy, theocracy, kleptocracy and kakistocracy, and democracy wasn’t winning. That’s when I thought back to my childhood, before the days of video games, when we’d yell out “Olly Olly Oxen Free” in a game of hide-and-seek to restart the game.  The phrase meant it was safe to return to home base without fear of being tagged, and it was time to start anew.

Maybe that’s what America needs: a do-over. Our current form of government is not functioning as the Founding Fathers had intended, and we need to start over. So, I am calling out “Olly Olly Oligarchy Free” and declaring it’s time to restart this game.

I don’t know how exactly the new game should be played and what form our government should take but it should contain some elements of democracy. I don’t think we need a “gerontocracy,” which is “rule by the elderly where power is held by older individuals.” We’ve tried that for the last 8 years with 4 more in store, and well, being run by people with the early signs of dementia who think that wind turbines cause cancer, or we took over the airports in the Revolutionary War, is not a good idea. Nor do we need a FoxNewsocracy (similar to kakistocracy), which I just made up but is a country ruled by former Fox News employees. We are experimenting with that now and it’s not off to a good start. Promising to give up drinking so you can run a large agency is not comforting.  I mean it’s great and all that you can do 40 pushups, and I am happy that your third wife loves you (third time’s a charm), but no.

If we have the courage to reframe our form of governing there are so many “ocracies” to choose from (over 20 actually), but I’ll stick to the more promising. To start, I would include some elements of “meritocracy” where we are ”ruled by the skilled or capable, and leadership is based on merit, skill, and competence rather than wealth or birthright.”  It’s a novel idea but I think we should give it a shot. I might then mix in a bit of “gynocracy” which is “rule by women, where women dominate governance or hold the majority of power.” This has actually been tried in a few other countries (gasp), with promising results. Though our attempts to elect women to our Presidency have been met with resistance because, well, um, competency or intellect are not always deciding factors in how we chose our Presidents.

We could also adopt some elements of “isocracy” which is “rule where all have equal power with emphasis on the principle that every person has the same degree of authority and influence in decision-making processes, ensuring that power is distributed equally among all members of a society.”  This sounds like a better or idealized form of democracy so it would be a tough sell in America now. But think about it for a minute. What if all citizens were “created equal and were endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. And that to secure these rights, Governments were instituted among their citizens, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, and that whenever any form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to affect their safety and happiness.” Wouldn’t that be amazing?  This right to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government isn’t that really declaring Olly Olly Oxen Free on our current form of Government?  So be it, I hereby declare Olly Olly Oligarchy Free, who’s with me?

Editor’s note: Dear FBI, I am not advocating for the overthrow of our government but rather fixing it through constitutional amendments and statutes.